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There is a sensation overwhelming me right now: distrust. I feel like I cannot believe anyone, especially now. This feeling will be new to almost no one, that of having trusted someone implicitly and then finding out it was a mistake and that they've been doing something they shouldn't have been. I'm someplace in between wanting to drive my fist past the plaster in the walls over and over or collapsing like an iron weight onto the floor and simply not bothering to get up again. I don't want to breath in or out, I just want to vanish in a hot flash and take the whole block with me. The space in my chest where my heart should be keeps blanking out like a strobe, seeming hollow and lost ..the beats are skipping. Tonight is cold and fittingly so. I am just going to curl up into a ball now. I don't even know if I'll go into work tomorrow, this is fucking ridiculous. .."my soul to keep"..yeah right.

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PandorasBx
06:49 Aug 23 2009

I think I am in the same place......and its very, very dark.....

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TruthHurts
02:31 Aug 24 2009

Did someone betray your trust or is it just a general feeling toward the entire world? It's such a sick and fucked up feeling.

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GalFriday
03:58 Sep 03 2009

don't scare me like that, sir, you had me thinking it was little ol' me. I'm happy you're happy now though :X

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jesse
10:40 Oct 05 2009

i have learn that believin an trustin in somebody only seem to leave ur heart wide open to be easily ripped out when u least expect it

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xxDreamscapeInnocencexx
23:11 Oct 06 2009

I seldom participate on VR anymore, but your journal caught my attention. I recently parted ways rather abruptly with a fellow who was supposed to be in my "trusted" circle. Such a mistake. Your words here have imbibed the very quintessence of my own discord in letting people in only to reap misery in the aftermath. I do hope by now you have found some semblance of peace for even a brief moment.



-Catherine

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So, I've got this weight bench sitting in my living room. I picked it up for fifty dollars from a man whose son had moved out for college. It's a nice little bench and came complete with almost three-hundred pounds of iron-plate weights. I'm rather thin, perhaps even gaunt, as people go. I do put on muscle mass rather quickly when I exercise, but with all the medication I take, it's difficult to get it done. My shrink is about to have dextroamphetamine added to my cocktail, and this will hopefully offset those effects; it will, at very least, put me in a more frequently pleasant mood no doubt.



I'd love to get back into combat sports again, boxing especially, but with my joint pain as it is, I'm afraid that I won't get the chance. My doctors are always discouraging it because my brain is screwed up enough as it is. I've discussed it with my girl, Friday, and she tells me that if it is really important to me to start again ..that she won't tell me no. She also made me agree, on the other hand, that if I am ever badly injured while doing it, that I would stop.



There is something about all of it that is irresistible to me. I long to return to the fights; I miss the competition. The idea of setting yourself against an opponent who possesses a greater or at least comparable skill to your own, and then going back to do it again and again, bloody and bashed, is a romanticism long last on the commoner. It is regrettable that many will never know that sensation, as I think the experience builds character, and frankly, it's fun as Hell.



Is there anyone reading this who has been in a similar situation ..were you previously or are you currently in a combat sport, or any demanding physical sport at all, and suffer mental pains about needing to return or even needing to quit? Or maybe you never got the chance to start out to begin with, and wonder if it's too late? I love to hear about it.

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Iris
22:34 Aug 10 2009

Seeing you say such, it puts to mind thoughts that have passed through my head on many an occasion; thoughts that have not transgressed beyond the stage of wonderment. What sort of physical combat sport would be affiting to one with my...irregular...body. Then of course, there is the matter of my...manus.



My legs seem to hold the most strength, from years of staying a grounded individual (well, that and I used to run cross countrie).



I hear you asking a question to yourself as you took to writing this, even before it : "Do you believe we can be given a second chance?"

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So, on the 15th of last month I stopped by an police officer with my girlfriend in the car. I was certain it was because I wasn't wearing a seat belt, but didn't care to much. Turns out though, that in the dark I missed a no-turn sign and went down the wrong way on a street, or rather entered it incorrectly. I didn't have proper insurance documents or anything on me, but the cop was nice about it, and just gave me a ticket and sent me on my way.



The ticket, which apparently said I had to appear in 10 days, got tossed aside and it just left my mind like vapor. Yesterday, I found the ticket again in my closet ..oh damn.



It is now 11:44 on the 3rd, which makes me fairly late in observing this. It says on the back that failure to answer it in court makes me automatically guilty of a misdemeanor and that they will temporarily suspend my license. This is an issue because I drive twenty minutes to work everyday, being that I work in a different town, and I basically need my car to exist. The probability that there is a bench warrant out for my arrest, as is noted on the ticket, is high I guess ..but I'll find out when I go in today to take care of it. Wish me luck, please.



- D

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sahahria
19:12 Aug 03 2009

You have all of my positive energy in this, my friend.

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MrD
03:07 Aug 04 2009

Thank you dear. I am positing myself to be ass raped by the judge tomorrow at 9:15 sharp.

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Haha ..I just snatched my girlfriend into my Coven, and by the nights end, I'll have another friend in as well. Too perfect.



I'll be adding more Coven updates tonight I guess ..not much else to work on. Just me and lots of Vicodin. Besides, it really needs to be done anyway, I've been so tired lately. Hopefully my new med, Vyvanse, will help with that. When I fill that script, you can expect a whole lot more writing to get done I'm guessing ..and maybe I'll clean my apartment as well.



The world, despite it's pitfalls, offers some relief here.